It was a tough day in the end of September.
The day I've given up myself being a dreamer.
The day I've decided to be a quitter.
The day I've decided to be a victim than a soldier.
The day I was sadder than ever.
But also the day I met my lover.

HAHAHA keren gak sih? Gak tau kenapa lagi ujan ujan kepikiran bikin itu.
I miss him a lot, to be honest. I've been trying to reckless, been acting like I don't give a fuck, but I'm not a good liar. I can't lie. My head keeps telling me that he's the one. And I still love him.

So here I go.

It literally was a tough month -- September. I was hated, left alone, lost, didn't have anyone to talk. I hated school like, a lot. I was thinking of moving to another country would be great. I used to hate this world, including my 10-year-best-friend and our promises that she couldn't keep.. And also hated her disloyalty to me. On that month, I kicked out from saman-dance-whatever-it-is. They talked behind me, they said I was two-faced, bestfriendeater (oh I remembered nevershoutnever's song hahah nvm), and also shits I don't want to hear. But I still believe it caused by a mean girl that I know ;).. I cried my self to sleep every night, I kept questioning myself, "why is God so cruel to me?".. Tragic, isn't it?

God has another plan.
1. The saman dance team didn't make it to Turkmenistan which is sad for them and happy for me because they treated me like shit :D sorry :( told ya I can't lie!
2. I got closer to him & the boys. Better for me to have boy friends than backstabber  girl friends..
3. I got a long time to think and finally decided I'm better off being myself than being an attention seeker whore, or being a person who goes to school to seek for popularity :)
4. I got close to God like srsly I can't even believe myself
5. I changed my perspective :D

He's my best friend I talk with, I make jokes with.. He made me laugh when I didn't even want to smile. He made my day amazing when it was supposed to be the worst day. HE WAS THERE when I didn't have anyone to trust, or even to talk. He made me comfort. He made me forget about my pain that I felt. But on that time, I didn't know I like him. I didn't realize. I forgot how exactly it was, but I started to like him.. Deeper, and deeper. He made me fell in love every time we meet.

Well, I can say that he made the first move. He asked my phone number, he told me that he missed me, he said he loves my favorite song, he picked me as his group member. But what I've been scared of, happened. He's gone, nowhere. We're rarely talk now, if yes it must be my day. He gave me something to remember tho -- something to remember, forever & ever.

He's a boy, but he acted like a man. He has responsibility to anything and he worked his best to get a good score. He's just... Different. I swear he's the man I've dreamed of..

:)

24

Selamat malam. Atau... Selamat pagi. Hehehe. Jam 1:36AM, masih bangun. Hari ini spesial sih. Kayaknya. :p

Selamat ulang tahun ikan :)
Cie 14. Tua banget.
Semoga makin poopy dan makin freak.
Makin gila juga.
Semoga...
Bisa sayang balik ya? Hehehe.
Gak deng.
Semoga makin pinter.
Makin sayang sama mama papa.
Makin niat belajarnya.
Makin gak kemana mana. Stay.
Makin seru.
Makin segalanya.
Tapi gak makin sombong.
Huf.
& my secret wishes.
I'll keep it to myself.
Sekali lagi,
Selamat ulang tahun,
& selamat tidur.
Aku sayang kamu.
:-)

20122012

Changes.
Dulu, gue biasa aja sama kata kata itu. Malah, gue bingung sama orang orang di tumblr jaman dulu yang ngomongin tentang people change atau things yang gue gak bisa mengerti. Dulu gue berfikir, "people change? Gimana caranya? Mungkin mereka grown up. Gimana caranya berubah? Jadi power rangers?" Well, that's silly. I was 10 back then. Tapi sekarang, I actually feel it. Gimana sakitnya ngeliat orang yang kita sayang berubah gitu aja. Gimana sakitnya ngeliat mereka transformed into people they said they'll never be. Sakit. Dan kita berdiri disini, gak bisa ngelakuin apapun, karena itulah yang terjadi.

Kadang, gue berfikir kenapa orang harus berubah. Kenapa situasi harus berubah. Dari dulu, gue gak pernah suka perubahan. Whether it's good or not, gue harus coba beradaptasi, dan itu yang gue gak suka. Dulu, gue selalu beranggapan semuanya bakal sama. Kayak dulu pas SD, gue fikir situasi SMP bakal sama persis kayak di SD. Enak. Gak ada masalah. Orang orangnya gak nyebelin nyebelin banget. Kenyataannya? Bah. Dulu pas di SD, orang ternyebelin tuh orang yang caper. Dan kita juga keselnya sama orang yang beda beda. Misalnya, si A tuh caper, terus orang orang jadi kesel. Nah, si B tuh bacot, yang lain juga jadi kesel. Kalo si C bossy, jadi orang orang pada gak suka. Lah, di SMP? Udah caper, bacot, bossy, heartless, bangsat banget lah pokoknya. Jadinya beradaptasinya susah lagi, karena ekspektasinya tinggi terus dijatohin gitu aja. Yah, salah juga sih gue beranggapan "semuanya bakal sama".

Di SD dulu, dalam 2 tahun gak banyak yang berubah. Guru itu itu aja, temen itu itu aja (malah gue gak nyadar mereka tambah dewasa, dulu mukanya sama aja, bocah), situasi juga gitu gitu aja. Di SMP? Dalam satu tahun banyak banget kehilangan orang. Entah mereka pindah, menjauh, atau disappear gitu aja. Banyak juga yang terjadi dalam satu tahun itu. Tangisan, dendam, drama, bahkan rebutan orang. Aneh. Emang. Tapi, dari situ gue nyadar.. Gue juga berubah. Gue juga nyadar, yang ngerubah gue itu rasa sakit. Gue dulu bener bener sering nangis, tiap malem. Gue jadi capek nangis mulu, akhirnya gue berubah. Entah gue berubah jadi apa, tapi gue ngerasain itu. Mungkin, perubahan gue menyakitkan untuk orang lain. Begitu juga gue, ngelihat sahabat gue berubah drastis. Sakit.

Udah ah, segitu aja. Dan tentang sahabat gue yang berubah? Yah, I'm getting used to it. :p

Here I go again, blogspot

Hi! I've deleted tumblr for a reason you don't want to hear; bored. I get bored easily and recently I've been bored with my "itu itu aja" kind of tumblr, and I did miss this blog and its posts so I decided to go back to my old blog yay new username and fresher layout lol idk I look at my own blog and I'm happy ;__; and I've moved the posts I posted in tumblr so yay

H.H

have you ever lost someone you love the most? like, giving everything for them to come back. wishing every single night. trying to treat them the way they treat you, but you just can’t. have you ever loved somebody… more than you love yourself? when you feel your life is screwed when you’re fighting with them, your heart torn apart when you see them happy with someone else.

 i’m not selfish, but i am when it goes to you. i don’t want to lose you for the millionth time. i don’t want to see you happy with another girl, which is better than me. i want to make you realize, but i don’t want you to think i’m annoying. i want you to know i need you. i want you to know i can’t live without you — not literally, but i do. i want you to know i lost my way without you. i want you to know you’re all i think about. i want you to know, i love you more than i love pizza, more than i love kit kat green tea, more than i love ice cream, more likely… more than myself.

 i want to be your only one, because you’re already mine. :)

"Here I go, scream my lungs out
And try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go but there’s just no one
That gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one."

nothing to do

1 Who did you last say “i love you” to? nada
2 Do you regret it? no i love her
3 Have you ever been depressed? yes all the taaaayymm
4 Do you like dinosaurs? i like some of em
5 Are you insecure? YES I AM
6 What is your relationship status? a hopeless lover currently single :p
7 How do you want to die? peacefully
8 What did you last eat? cheese nuggets
9 Have you played any sports? yes i think
10 Do you have an attitude? yes yes yes
11 Do you like someone? yep
12 What is your real name? guess
13 Have you ever read a book? yes i have ugh
14 Do you hate anyone at the moment? FUCK YES
15 Do you miss someone? sadly, yes
16 Twirl or cut your spaghetti? twirl
17 Do you tan a lot? over the summer? HAHA yes :(
18 Have any pets? yay
19 How exactly are you feeling? i am moody, i'm not exactly sure
20 Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving: hem yes
21 Good driver? i wish so
22 Are you scared of spiders? sometimes
23 Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? OMFG YES
24 Do you regret anything from your past? :( i do
25 What are your plans for this weekend? SLEEP ALL DAY LONG
26 Do you want to have kid? of course,but not now
27 Do you type fast? most of the time yep
28 Do you have piercings? nope
29 Want anymore?
30 Can you spell well? yes
31 Do you miss anyone from your past? not exactly
32 What are you craving right now? kit kat green tea and new clothes
33 Ever been to a bonfire party? nope
34 Ever had a silly band? HAHA not for real but yes
35 Have you ever been on a horse? yep
36 Have you ever broken someones heart? yep
37 Have you ever been cheated on? nope
38 Are you thinking of someone right now? yes, its him
39 Would you live with someone without marrying them? HEHEHE YES
40 What should you be doing? idk sleep
41 Whats irritating you right now? HER OMG
42 Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? :( hehe
43 Does somebody love you? i wish..
44 What is your favorite color? BLUE and anything if its pastel color!
45 Have you ever changed clothes in a car? haha yep
46 Milk chocolate or white chocolate? white chocolate is better
47 Do you have trust issues? sometimes
48 Best friends name? nisya nildza
49 2nd best friends name? happy
50 3rd best friends name? syifa nada
51 Who was the last person you cried in front of? nildza
52 Do you give out second chances too easily? hehe
53 Is it easier to forgive or forget? forgive, i think
54 What was your childhood nickname? fati HAHA
55 Favorite food? anything green tea; anything yummy for my tummy!
60 Do you believe everything happens for a reason? sometimes i do, sometimes i don't

):)

Hi. I never thought that we’ll end up this way. I’ve predicted that was just temporary, but not this way. Nothing’s worse than being replaced, isn’t it? & thank you, thank you.

 Hi Ikan, Gue emang salah, I’ve fallen for you this hard. And it hurts, really. Apalagi jatuh, nggak ada yang nangkep. Yeah you WERE there. Not now. I’ve wished a million times to God for you to come back, but you disappeared like nothing really happened. Hehe sumpah berakhir tragis abis… It deeply hurts I swear to anything. I just want you to come back… I want my reality as good as my dreams, and that happens when I’m with you. When you make me feel like I’m the only one. When you make me feel like everything’s fine. When you make me feel like… Heaven on earth, when I’m with you.
Sekarang? :).

 Berarti those signs are fake ya? Mungkin universe cuman ngebuat gue berharap tapi gak dapet apa apa. Mungkin universe cuman mau ngerjain gue. Jail banget sih. :)

  “…Already broken, already gone, already know you’re moving on. I’m a breathing, talking.. Dead man, walking. Already see it, in your face, already someone, in my place. I’m a breathing, talking.. Dead man, walking..”